SecretZen

@elocstu11 @alice_ @lillypetal @memz

I started self harming again

Don’t try to stop me, please, I wont die or get infected, im cautious, but its something that keeps me sane, so I honestly don’t care if you get hurt, you shouldn’t worry in the first place ^^”

Cole, I never cut deep, so if you do, I will slap you, but I got 11 on my thigh no longer than 5cm

Sorry if I seem like a heartless bastard, but please don’t keep it away from me, I feel invincible and in control when I do, not a bad false illusion. I know its bad, but I don’t want to lose my mind and become what I was so long ago…before 2009 >.<

I knew I could never trust you…ever. You honestly think I care for this family? Yes I am biologically part of this family, but my family is one that I cannot touch, my sz family .

Okay, so my brother once was on my pc and found one of the msn convos I saved on my desktop before I could move it to that folder. Ever since then whenever he gets to go on my pc, he looks for the stash, he already is figuring out that some of you I’ve never met before >.< He found some of the YouTube videos I favourited [because you cant really google an unlisted video xD] and asked if I made those house videos, I said no. later on he found the folder which had ALL of the videos I made for the house before I could deleted them…after skimming through the first two noticing that I showed everything…he said this

“You’re fucking disgusting, that’s your one and only family..disgusting”

Then he started asking who it was for [as I obviously said hai youtube] and I showed him that one youtube video was there but before he could make me log in, father showed up and asked what was going on and he said nothing. Idiot, why couldn’t you just hit me, why did you make me show you that? I would have been better off, but… you’re probably worried about who is seeing it. Well it’s no one you know, for it’s my true family, one that actually cares about me, not one that forgot about me for five years. I never liked my brother, I’m surprised I came out to him. I still hate him, I still won’t trust him [or anyone in my family for that matter]

I’m worried…he knows that I talk to people I’ve never met before, and he knows that I share personal stuff with them. He may think that I’m trying to screw up our family by telling everyone twisted stuff because my father is a lawyer or something. But I cant let him find out about sz, or anything more, or else I wouldn’t be able to use the pc…ever, any mail I get, they wont give me…. @alice_ he would take it and trash it and never tell me .____. Basically I would have zero chance of venting anything, or going out to meet someone if im near them ever again. Last night I went to get something to eat and felt like crap. Because he thinks someone local will see it, and I know that I can trust you all, yet he is making me doubt myself. Watch, when I go home, he’ll ask, possibly make me show him everything…I can’t. then he’ll find out about sz, and I wont ever get to talk to any of you again. I cant have that, I wont have that. I don’t want to face him…ever again in my life.

Words are much more powerful than actions, they can make me so much more vunerable, you can punch me – meh, you can trigger me – and that’s never good

In summary, my brother is trying to find out my secrets and is pissed that I don’t hide anything from people who I’ve never met before. I don’t frecking care, they’re my family. I know the dangers of showing what I did in that video, but honestly, you’ll never meet them either, so don’t worry. But now, I don’t know how talking to him will be like, I want to avoid him. If my family could forget me for years, I can surely avoid him until he goes to Chicago, shit, we have to spend Christmas vacation together >.< so that means maybe by feburary he’ll be gone for some time….how the heck can I manage that?

How do I feel?

Fucking paranoid .__. That I wont ever be able to have any friends, that’s the kind of family I have.
Paranoid of my secrets spilling, never being able to send mail or receive it, having no privacy…again…I hated it last time, so much for that high school freedom, I never got any

Oh also, these people were at our house and when they asked why I don’t just stay back a year at school to prepare for uni and get better at math, my father screamed “No he’s going to uni!” at her. How the heck can I get into unis that want 90% like you want when I cant even manage 75%?

I cant do my school work under this pressure, I cant do anything. And now I may lose my only way to vent out the thoughts in my hand. So how can I work if I never get to clear my head and concentrate and now more thoughts are coming up? Gee, such a motivating family. Screw this all. They should go to a horrifying hell, not even a special one –o-

I know that you are all here for me, im grateful for that, but if the internet got attacked, I’m alone…I’m still not allowed visiting the two friends I care about that I can actually hold :/ I’m truly alone….

I know it seems like im just whining and complaining, but, I’m breaking down, and im not allowed to cry, how the heck do you deal with that?

I am fortunate, but I hate this life, but I hate you more :@

In other words, I don’t trust my family for anything, they found out about SZ, so I won’t be able to go on it anymore as they took away my ipod and sz. I changed my passwords so that they can’t use my msn or fb on ipod hopefully.

I Love You All

You have no idea how much you all helped me ^^

But now they’re gonna take you away from me….I don’t know what I’m gonna do with no way to cope…..I need to talk to you all, but I’m not allowed to.

All of that ontop of the usualy I’m not allowed to go outside the house…I’m scared to go home, They’re gonna want to know everything. I’m not telling them, That’s thier lost. They believe that I am some creepy perv who gets drunk and stuff and has alot of friends and shouldn’t have to have any problems.

They don’t see that I am a shy, kind, non-judgmental person who barely talks to- struggles talking to people…and feel forgotten through out their whole life and self harmed because of the life they forcefully took away from me.

@flash_fire91 Sorry, I left you like that last night when they took away my pc

@lillypetal o.o I hope you took of the webcam on msn xD That would have been awkward you seeing her ^^”

@alice_ ….i’m so so sorry…I won’t be able to talk to you at all now it seems >.<

Oh, Another thing that sucks, I can't even mention that I have a girlfriend, or that my closest friend lives afar because they don't want me associating with people I've never met before. I trust them more than I will ever trust you….

School notes are gonna be switched to journal entrys at this rate.

You want to stop me from self harming? let me go to a different country for uni for some years so I can finally live the life I never had as myself. I'd be the happiest then. Aussieland jumped up my list o.o

See ya……SZ <3 *big hugs*

DAAAAAAYUUUUUM thats awesome O____O @alice_ LOOK, THATS AN AWESOME SCHOOL :0

@alice_ look familiar? xD

and thats cute hanna ^^

oh, i couldn’t forget @alice_ ^w^

@rawrza You are actually awesome. :’)
@alice_ Sure, I’ll get some cookies too. ;D

@alice_ Yush I have purple hair. ^.^
I’m thinking I should go blue. :’)